it's been two years since i last wrote. so much has happened, of course. i lived in tel aviv until almost a month ago, and then i came back to the states. in the last two years, i went to egypt four times: three times for language classes, and one time for a course on refugee law. i did an internship with the unhcr. i went to the palestinian territories (ramallah, nablus, and hebron), and it didn't change my political views. i still think there are serious wrongs on both sides. my studies have taught me that hamas will never agree to more than hudna with israel. in the same way that the Prophet Muhammad made a pact with the tribe of quraysh, hamas will make a pact with israel long enough to make itself strong enough to fight israel. hamas will never recognize israel as a state, because hamas is an islamist group and according to these groups, the land that israel is on are considered waqf lands. hamas will stay in power as long as collective punishment continues to radicalize the palestinian population.
my sense of humanity still says that collective punishment is wrong, and there is never an excuse for it. shooting rockets indiscriminately at school children is wrong. and i'm not just talking about israel when i make that statement. i've listened to endless reports over the last two years of the weekly, if not daily, bombardment of sderot (a town, not a military installation in israel: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sderot). they have to hold kindergarten classes in a bomb shelter, because some group or another is always launching qassam rockets across from gaza. and the israelis are fed up, because from their point of view, they fought their own crazy religious groups to pull settlers out of gaza in an attempt to promote peace with the palestinians, and look at how gaza became a nest for islamists and a launching pad for rockets against israel. but on the other hand, the palestinian population living in gaza hasn't had a steady supply of food, water, electricity, or education since the settlers left. unemployed people who have a significant decrease in their standard of living tend towards radicalism. whether it be muslim, christian or jewish doctrine that they follow is only a question of where they live in the world.
i feel like i just spent two years in a hurricane, and i miss the spinning. i'm used to moving, to living on the edge of things, in the middle of it all. now i'm just another face in a crowd of people who aren't happy, although they have so much around them. why are we so complacent here in america? i have a new-found patrioitism that i never had before. i really love my country now. i love the hills, the flatlands, the wide open spaces. people here have so much, and people are so very generous with what they have. i think all this having is why people aren't happy. we all need a challenge. we all need something that moves us spiritually, and i think that people become tied up in a safe life, and they are so used to going here and there, spending their saturdays at target, doing boring things.
so many people here don't really live. they're just stuck in the waiting place that dr. seuss describes in "oh the places you'll go!" and it scares me. i don't want to get stuck in the waiting place too. i want to live my life to the fullest, to breathe every moment, even the difficult ones. i worry sometimes when i look at the people around me that it will be impossible to find a good match here, anywhere in the states. more than that, i don't know where i belong anymore. even my closest friends and family, when they talk to me, tell me that they don't know where i belong. i didn't belong in israel, and i don't seem to belong in texas either. i wonder how it will be to return to california after all these years. i've been back in the states since december 24th, and i still haven't gone to my own holy land =) but i'll be there by the first of march. first i have to finish writing my thesis. i'm making really good progress on it now. despite all my worries, and all the stress sloughing off after two years of intensity, i have peace of mind and a quiet, safe space to work. i'm also very lucky, because my best friend and her husband are some of my favorite people in the world, and i've been staying with them, helping out with their adorable infant. i'm happy. it makes me cry to say that. the last time i was happy in this deeper sense of happiness was in november, 2005. the time in israel, and the six months leading up to it were the most challenging years of my life so far. i survived it, and i am so proud of myself for that. i know that wherever i go next, whatever i decide to do, i will be successful. i've lived through a war (even though i never saw a single bomb fall, i was in a country at war with bombs falling within 30 miles of where i lived); i've survived severe food poisoning on a boat in southern egypt in 130 degree weather; i've evaded two kidnapping attempts; i've taken a bus from tel aviv through the sinai peninsula to cairo three times; i've been in a prison lock down (when i went with the un to register asylum seekers in prison)... i can't think of anything else off the top of my head. all i know is that i've been through a lot since 2005 and i can handle whatever is next, even if it is boredom.

Tags: cairo, gaza strip, israel, palestine, tel aviv, war

I believe the state of Israel has a right to exist (although I don't necessarily agree with the methods used to establish the state to begin with) but I also believe in the right of the Palestinians to an independent state. In the States, being pro-Israeli seems to mean supporting the occupation of Palestinian lands and the contruction of a greater biblical-era state

I have what I find to be a rather intensive Hebrew class until 10 am, then two hours of Arabic in the afternoon. This last week I've been trying to do my Arabic homework after Hebrew and before my Arabic class, but I've found that my brain is overloaded. Also, for some odd reason, the Arabic dictionary is ordered as an English dictionary (from left to right) while the Hebrew books and everything are in the correct right to left order. So, I'm looking up words in a semitic language in the incorrect order and my brain has to switch back and forth and we have to pull the root from words to look them up and the whole thing is just a mess. On top of it, the Arabic class is so different from any other language class I've ever taken. Take French for example - we were sold French nationalism from the beginning, with beautiful pictures of the French countryside, wine and cheese tastings in class, maps of the different regions of France and what they're famous for.... but in Arabic and Hebrew too, now that I think of it, we don't learn anything pretty about the culture. In Hebrew they stuff us full of information about previous wars and the founding of Israel, and in Arabic we have simple sentences about the director in the office, or the girl works in the new library building. I can't believe I'm reading this stuff in either language - who would have thought my brain would ever accept these new codes, but I also want to understand the culture. I definitely am starting to get a hint of Israeli culture because I live here, but what do I understand about the Arabic-speaking world? Pick a place, guys, teach us about Jordanians or Egyptians (your friendly neighbors; I won't even suggest Arab Israeli culture)... we could read simple texts that introduce us to the human aspect of the Arabic language.... I'm paying 10,000 dollars a year for tuition. Is it really too much to ask for?
On a different note, I'm starting to plan for next year. I'm definitely moving out of my current apartment. The space is way too small for three people, and we're overpaying. I worked out my monthly expenses and they're much higher than originally anticipated, despite the fact that I've quit smoking/

Sorry for disappearing for so many months, but I had to heal from the stress of the breakup and the war. I came to Israel with a (relatively) open mind - I've sat through Zionist brain-washing and anti-Israeli brain-washing. My life is high-risk, relatively speaking, because I take the bus every day and I shop at the Carmel market (some of the most likely places for suicide bombings). Because I take this risk every day, I have a right to take a stance on the issue that frames the environment in which I live: the lack of a two-state solution for Israelis and Palestinians. Both sides are plagued by radicalism and selfishness, and I don't see how the conflict will ever be resolved, because the issue is not clean-cut, and the historical facts change depending on who you speak to; nothing is clear, except the fact that both the Jews and the Muslims feel a right to this land (divine or otherwise), and neither side is giving up. It seems to me sometimes that Israel has Palestine in a headlock, pulling its hair, suffocating it, and Palestine is biting Israel's arm as hard as it can. How do you pull the two off of each other and make them communicate? Despite my pessimism, I refuse to throw my hands up in the air. I've found Bat Shalom http://www.batshalom.org/about.php (translation: daughters of peace), a feminist organization that works for a just resolution to the conflict, and promotes equal rights for Muslim and Jewish Israelis. I heard about it a long time ago, but was hesitant to become involved in anything until I developed opinions of my own (which I definitely have begun to do). I emailed them to offer my volunteering services, and I'll wait for their response....

There's a tendency to focus on the so-called Arab-Israeli, or Palestinian-Israeli conflict, despite other important and threatening issues within Israeli society. Non-Jews aren't mistreated here (I've never been treated badly, myself), but "Arabs" definitely are not treated in the same way as Jews, Christians, or Druze. I have a suspicion that they may be treated as second-class citizens, but I need to do more research before I can make a firm assertion about that. "Arabs" aren't allowed to serve in the army, for example (I put a note at the end about Arabs, although I can't believe I'm essentially footnoting my blog). I'm specifically referring to Arabs who agreed to become citizens of the Jewish State of Israel. These citizens aren't allowed to serve in the armed forces because they might not be faithful to Israel. I understand this, in a way, because of the very recent history of conquest of Israel, but I also find this decision highly problematic. By disallowing Arab-Israelis to participate in the protection of their country, and making them understand that they are innately distrusted, Jewish Israelis are alienating a large portion of their population - a very large portion of the population which is growing steadily and will eventually outnumber the Jews. I wonder, really, when the Arab Israelis outnumber the Jews, will the lack of education of Arab-Israelis and their underprivileged environment (education, health care, etc) keep them from overtaking the Jewish state, or is Israel on the road to civil war?
I'm going to call it a night at that. My last trip to the states was way too short, and I became very ill in the middle of it, so I barely saw anyone =( but I'll be back in July, and you guys will be stuck with me for a few months
Footnote: I write "Arab" in quotes because defining what constitutes an Arab seems to be a subjective undertaking - Arab seems to refer to Muslim Israelis, although I've heard the term applied to Christian Israelis of Arab descent, but I think that when Israelis speak of Arabs, they're talking about Muslims)

Tal and I broke up two weeks ago, and I've taken a new apartment in the center of Tel Aviv. I have two new roommates who are also in the master's program. Breaking up with Tal has been a painful process, but something I don't regret for a minute. I'm starting to really enjoy Israel!

Last Saturday Tal and I decided to break it off. I'm staying at the dorms until Tuesday, when I'll hopefully move into a new apartment with two classmates. I've decided to stay in Israel...it turns out that Israel isn't the problem - my interaction with Tal has been. I'm not willing to pass up an opportunity to learn Arabic and Hebrew. Tal's pretty upset that I'm staying, but we're still making this an amicable separation. It's hard to tease apart three and a half years together....who gets the photo album? what do you do with the pictures of the fun times you had together? which one gets the rare stainless steel table we bought together in the states and shipped to Israel? well, we'll work all of these things out.

school starts on sunday. i spent the whole day with new friends from school, but part of me still really wants to go home. i went to the souk today, to coffee, had a great time, but still i'm longing for my home and my friends.

i went to school orientation and 150 other crazy people showed up from all over the world. so far, i've met the following from my masters program: two Germans and 9 Americans (3 from the South, one from the midwest, one from DC, one from NYC, one from Wisconsin, and two from So-cal); I also met people in other programs: a queer activist from brooklyn, a Swiss girl, a guy from Sweden, a guy from Switzerland and I overheard three French people talking in the row in front of me during orientation. Oh, and one of the German girls in my class isn't Jewish and she came here because she wants to learn about Israel and educate people in Germany, who she feels are forgetting about the Holocaust.
Everyone seems pretty nice. The guys from the south are really unhappy because they don't have a/c in their dorms, the kitchen is so nasty they can't cook there, and the glass from their windows is falling out. i'm glad to be in this apartment.
class starts on Sunday. I was forced to take a Hebrew placement test, although I told them I can't read or write. I hate failing tests, but I made a joke out of it and ok, fine, I got a 0, so I'll be going to class five hours a day, five days a week for the next six weeks. Cool. Then I get a month off and then seminar classes finally start.
I went to the grocery store today with grand plans for cooking. Before I left, I went online and found as many spices as possible in Hebrew. I wrote down the letters and took my list to the grocery store. Out of ten spices, I only found three online. so i was shopping forever and i couldn't find vegetable stock and I asked, but noone understood and i got really anxious because it embarrased me to be here, not speaking hebrew, and i just wanted to go home. i bought too much and had to haul eleven heavy bags up five flights of stairs. but i made some really good meatballs. all that work, and tal wouldn't eat any. i wish i had someone to share my cooking with. Ira, where are you?!

i'm going CRAZY sitting in the house all the time trying to finish this paper for Literary Value. I can't wait for school to start and I'm so upset because I have a week longer to wait than I thought (i would have gone away if i had known). anyway, i'm meeting other people in my program, which is a huge thing because i have such social anxiety that i didn't make friends in my last program until i'd been there for almost a year. i was feeling really upset and bored and almost ready to fly home ten minutes ago, and then noach from my program called me and wanted to make plans to have coffee on Tuesday and now i feel much better and i realize i'm just so bored and so lonely.

we went to the beach last night. it was nice. we sat at a table in the sand near the ocean and a waitress came out with couscous and cold diet cokes eventually. we brought our own icecream and wine. the icecream was pretty runny by the time we ate it, but it was still cold. the water was warm and the jellyfish are gone finally. we might go back today and go swimming. the jellyfish came a week after i got to israel. there were so many that the beach was spotted with them. so i haven't been able to go swimming.